Leopard attack. It strikes fear into my heart more than having to watch Dumb and Dumber one more time, because I’m a polite date, right?

Leopards are tough customers. They have the attitude of your average house cat and the size of Justin Bieber’s ego. They live everywhere, from desert grasslands in Africa to tropical Asian rain forests. It’s as if they’re giving the middle finger to anyone who told them they can’t live a little bit in every climate. Once the scientists finish burrowing under the ice in the center of Antarctica, they will probably find leopards flourishing there, too.

If you meet up with one of these creatures, you need the skills in order to survive. That is what this barely-researched blonde is going to fix for you. Lucky you, right? Let’s take a look at the manual for dos and don’ts.

 

1. Be very cautious if you are walking through a forest.
Right. Or a desert or grasslands or Antarctica. We already covered that. Basically, be vigilant everywhere, every moment of the day. I’m going to need more No-Doz for this.

 

2. Don’t look for its attention.
Except if you spot a totally killer selfie opportunity to take with it. Then yes. Proceed.

 

3. Hide if a leopard appears to be stalking you. If you can, try getting to a place where the leopard cannot get to you.
Um, like where? They’re kind of athletic. Kinda like Nancy Kerrigan before the whole “knee” thing.

 

4. Don’t tease it or try to provoke it.
If you try to tease a leopard, you probably deserve to be eaten. That’s like natural selection and stuff.

 

5. Be smart if it pounces. If the leopard pounces at you through the air, try to outthink it and land in another spot.
Seriously? This isn’t like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. This is a leopard. If it pounces, unless you have a spear butted against the ground and pointed at it, you dead.

 

6. Avoid eye contact. This can be seen as a challenge for them. Then again, keep your eyes on the leopard and know what it is doing.
So, which is it?

 

7. Back away slowly. This should give you a chance to escape.

 

8. Hold your ground. Wave your hands above your head and shower.
Again, which is it? Both items 7 and 8 are right next to each other in the manual. There are so many inconsistencies in this handbook. Concerning the last three items, that means I should shuffle backwards and crouch every other step while eye-focusing just below eye contact. This is a much deadlier version of simultaneously patting your head and rubbing your tummy.

Also, what’s with the waving and shouting? Is it so that if you do have to go, you go out looking foolish?

 

9. Curl up in a tight ball with your limbs tucked inside. This will prevent the animal from injuring any extremities.
I thought I was supposed to hold my ground a minute ago? My head hurts. Overall, this latest strategy sounds like a terrible idea. At most, you’re only making the easy meal a smidge harder to unwrap.

 

10. Fight back if necessary. Fighting should be your last option. If the leopard does not stop charging, fight with whatever you have and hit sensitive places such as the nose and eyes and hold your thumbs at the back of its mouth to prevent those razor-sharp canines from getting to your neck (if they can bite you, they can kill you). Then hold your elbows on their paws to prevent those sharp claws from ripping off your flesh. Call for help.
Is there a reason why we wait so late in the game to ask for assistance? And is this manual saying that you should sooner curl up into a tight ball than fight back if it’s mauling you?

 

11. Wear a leopard skin dress to trick the leopards into thinking you are one of them.
I swear to God, this is the manual’s words and not mine. The writers must have thought the manual needed spicing up with some colorful commentary. I can imagine those guys sitting in a boardroom with stuffy ties when one exclaims, “Hey, Bruce, toss in a line about wearing a leopard disguise. That certainly won’t jeopardize someone’s safety who read this manual for genuine survival purposes.”

Yeah. About that.

 

Image courtesy of Tambako The Jaguar via Flickr, Creative Commons.