All these are real, I swear. Pinkie promise.

 

1. Solo synchronized swimming
Holy oxymoron, Batman. Strangely enough, the Olympics did hold a synchronized swimming competition…performed by one person at a time. The events only lasted for eight years and was discontinued in 1992. Waterproof makeup companies went out of business in droves.

 

2. Tandem bicycle sprints
That’s…too funny. If you’re not familiar with the term, a tandem bike is a bicycle built for two to ride at the same time.

The few times I’ve watched NASCAR (and by few, I mean once), pretty much the only reason someone like me would watch it is to wait for the crashes. With an event like tandem bicycle sprints, I’d be surprised if anyone crossed the finish line. It’s pretty much like one long sequence of America’s Funniest Home Videos of people falling down.

 

3. Live Pigeon Shooting
Someone who hated birds decided to use live fowl for the Paris Olympics in the year 1900. These days, their clay counterparts are a stand-in. Nearly 300 birds were sacrificed. Blood was spilled. And the gods were pleased.

 

4. Tug-of-War
It’s hard to believe that Uncle Ed’s suggestion for a fun activity during the last Fourth of July used to be an Olympic event. It tapered off around the turn-of-the-century, but it used to be a real bully time.

 

5. Pentathlon
In this event originating in 1912, the participants start out on horseback, swordfight a bunch of people, run, swim, shoot a gun, then ride an unfamiliar horse through a 12-jump course. Well then. Is there anything really left to do?

Apparently, this was made to commemorate a French cavalry officer who beat impossible odds to deliver a life-or-death message. It was probably about croissants or wine or something. Modern reenactments include the rider throwing down his hat when he remembered that he had forgotten the message, then goes back to do the whole course over again.

 

6. Obstacle course swimming
Again in the year 1900, they held an obstacle course for swimmers made up of poles, platforms, and boats. 10 points for each swimmer hit by a boat.

 

7. Competitive hot air ballooning
There’s that year 1900 again. Consisting of 61 men and three women, competitive ballooning lasted only one Olympics. Judges based their point system on the balloons reaching certain heights and hitting certain marks. It combined the thrill of gas ratios with the excitements of breeze drifting.

 

8. Biathlon
I had to look this up to know what it is. Basically, in this event, skiers race to certain points where they shoot firearms at targets, then continue to the next point. They continue this until someone wins, I guess. Essentially, the only real world practicality of this is if you are James Bond, and only in 3% of his movies.

 

9. Race walkers
Is the 100m dash too fast for your tastes? Perhaps you’d like something a little more debonair, like race walking. As the confusing name suggests, it is the fastest form of walking known to man. Race walkers must have 1 foot on the ground at all times or risk disqualification. The whisks of thigh rubbing could be heard for miles away.

 

10. Club twirling
In 1904 at the St. Louis Olympics, athletes in the prime condition of their lives twirled clubs. I have no words. I have no idea how they twirled their clubs. This sounds like 2° off of baton twirling and sashaying. Lucky for them, the gods were pleased with the pigeon sacrifice.

 

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Image courtesy of Oliver Hopkins via Flickr, Creative Commons.