A Blonde's Take On...

A Blonde’s Take on Sports

41 Comments

 

Sports lovers, read at your own risk. My being a sports commentator is about the equivalent of Miley Cyrus designing nuclear missiles. Nothing good can come of this.

I don’t understand sports. There seems to be a lot weird, changing rules to keep up with. I’m surprised there isn’t a weekly subscription to some sort of info-blog which would list all the changes made or ignored. Heck, there’s a bunch of rules ignored when Tom Brady is on the field, right? A-oh!

Don’t let that tiny bit of topical humor fool you. I still know nothing about sports. I just happened to overhear that at some point. I guess pretending to enjoy conversations with co-workers paid off. It made me sound smarter than the kid in the retro Shake ‘n Bake commercials.

What I understand less than the rules is the following. I don’t understand the near rabid excitement over a bunch of people running back and forth. My watching a sports game would be about as exciting as watching an adult learn how to clap their hands for the first time.

So, I’m just going to go ahead and assume that you want to hear my ignorant and snarky assessment of each sport. If I leave one out, it’s either because I forgot, I don’t care enough, or it’s not considered a sport by sane people.

If anyone gets mad, just remember that this is a blonde woman commenting on sports. You were warned.

 

American Football:
Let’s just go right for the jugular, shall we? I say American because there is a respectable amount of people following this blog from other countries. I wouldn’t want to insult the huge international community of football (soccer) fans. Not in this paragraph, at least. For that, I’ll put it five paragraphs down.

American football is a sport of pork-skin balls, dog fights, and guys piling on top of each other. I’m sure you’re saying, “I’m hooked on this delightful sport now, please tell me more.”

Basically, they throw the only ball in sport history that isn’t round across hundreds of miles. For half the game, the ball is usually so far away that you get bored and start comparing your boyfriend to the guys that other women brought.

And I know what you’re doing, NFL, with the whole pink ribbon thing. It’s pandering. You just know that you’ve tapped out the male market and are going for the other half. I’m blonde, but I’m not stupid. The only thing you need to do to get more women in attendance is to provide more of those tight pants. You only have them on the players. Put them on the coaches, the newscasters, and the cameramen. I’d go to that.

 

Soccer:
Here in the USA, this is barely a sport, but internationally, it’s huge. I don’t get it.

It has the same hundreds of miles that American football does, but promises far less points scored. Really all it is, is if you take a wood saw to a foosball table and then force the little men to fight to the death.

I say, give them all weapons. That would be hecka more entertaining. And what’s the deal with those announcers? Do they really have to scream the word “goal” like that? If I was the boss, I would give each announcer a limited amount of “o” vowels to use per game. That way, if they go over their limit, they have to call it “gal.” That’d be hilarious. Then his wife would call, and he’d have to say, “What d yu mean Christpher can’t cme ver tnight? I just gt Mnica t agree t this. Try the pl by r the gardener. I bet he wuld be int it. He seemed t like yu.”

 

Baseball:
Out of all the sports, I tolerate baseball the most. That’s probably because baseball’s rules are some of the easiest to guess with common sense. You hit the ball with the big stick, then you run a bunch. Then you spray some champagne and bring a few completely reputable women back up to your hotel room. Pretty easy to understand.

I know, I know, there’s more to the rules than that, but I get the idea. Ah, the nostalgia of it all takes me back to wanting my dad to take me to these things, even though it was a pretty boyish version of quality time. But him taking me out dress shopping wasn’t exactly part of the plan.

The only trouble with baseball is waiting so long in between something interesting. If I’m ever rich, I’m going to pay someone to be a professional “nudger,” who would wake me up whenever something interesting happens.

 

Hockey
Now, here’s a sport with weapons! Now we’re talking.

It’s no wonder that Canadians are so explosive in hockey, because they’ve been holding in their anger their entire lives, and this is the only socially acceptable outlet. But they’re still so polite while they’re punching each other.

This sport already has things going against it when it comes to women in attendance. First of all, the place is ice cold, and what woman do you know who loves to be cold? And I like my Kalamari lightly breaded and on a plate, not out on the ice.

Although, those foam fingers are helpful because they serve as a reminder to not forget my gynecology appointment. So, that’s handy.

 

Basketball
This sport understands the whole size thing a little bit better. The size of the court, that is. It’s all indoors, and no ice–so not freezing cold. All good things.

You know what I want to see with basketball? I want the NBA to do what Survivor does and place them by race, religion, social standing, age, etc. Here’s my line-up:

  • An all-Buddist Jewish team vs. fourteen-year-old Mongolians wearing dental headgear
  • 60-year-old-and-above Tahitian Taoists vs. agoraphobic Tasmanian political cartoonists
  • An all-Icelandic germaphobic team of janitors vs. a team of Caucasian 30-something Estonian male gymnasts who haven’t called their mothers in the past three months.

Now, that I would watch. Are you listening NBA??

 

Tennis
Tennis is a bunch of short-skirted, grunting women. Maria Sharapova grunts more than Holly Holm, and Maria’s not even throwing a punch.

And am I the only immature one who giggles when someone yells for the “Ball boy”?

 

Table Tennis (Ping-Pong)
Or otherwise known as “Tennis light.” The world said this isn’t a sport, then China waggled its finger and said, “I don’t think so.” When professionals (and I use that term looooosely) play, they stand so far back from the table, sometimes it’s hard to tell which game they’re in, especially when you have a few going at once.

Ping-Pong’s slogan: It’s tennis’s unwanted step-child, now featuring 82% less talent, money-making potential, and applicability. See our ad in Forest Gump after he gets shot.

 

Badminton
Yeah, we’re starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel, aren’t we. All I remember about this activity is playing it during gym. And if it’s something I play when I’m all pimply and junior high-ish, it shouldn’t be considered a sport.

 

Volleyball
This is a “sport” that gals play when they say to each other, “Yeah huh. I am too tough.” It’s like tossing awkward bikinis, Top Gun references, and dislocated thumbs into a catfight.

 

Golf
Golf combines the entertainment of walking with half the excitement of gardening.

 

Bowling
This is a sport for white, overweight, middle-aged men who are reliving their glory days from when they played two semesters of high school football with their graduating class of 60 people. 95% of this activity is sitting down, eating nachos, thinking to yourself how your job at the factory isn’t so bad, and thinking of sly nicknames to enter into the scoring computer when your pals aren’t looking.

Bowling’s slogan: Bring back the thrill of math by counting down pins as you count up beers.

 

One of these days I’ll have to write a post making fun of romantic comedies, then I’ll have pissed off the other half of the population. I’m going for the top score, apparently.

 

Image courtesy of See-ming Lee via Flickr, Creative Commons.

41 thoughts on “A Blonde’s Take on Sports”

  1. Too funny! You did miss the entire reason for women to go to sports games (and I am leaving out bowling and golf) and that is to watch those lean, muscled men in their tight/short pants. I once went to a whole season of the San Francisco Giants because I had seats right by third base. I could sit the entire game watching this handsome hunk bending over waiting for something to happen.

    So worth it!

    Liked by 2 people

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  2. Haha! This is great! Thanks for sharing. Coming from the complete opposite of you (I’m a huge female sports fan) it is entertaining to hear what others think and see when they look at other sports. So great!

    *Sidenote* The pink in the NFL is for the “breast cancer” awareness month, but the NFL actually doesn’t donate $1 to breast cancer research, instead only 10% of the earnings go to “general” cancer research. So I have tried to inform more people so we can donate directly to breast cancer research instead.

    Liked by 2 people

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  11. This was pretty great, I especially loved the Hockey section after playing it for so many years now. The funny thing is that when you play hard enough, then by the time you get back to the bench after about 50 seconds you tend to be very hot and sweaty.

    The Golf description was the best by far, however. Completely and utterly accurate.

    Liked by 1 person

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  16. You forgot about rugby, hot men in short shorts and tight shirts running around throwing an oval shapped ball backwards to go forward and tackling other players while wearing a mouthguard as only protection… ;-) I has photos to back my claims.

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  19. I love this. I’m not a sports fan either, and I’ve always wondered, especially with football, why it takes them 6 hours to play (?) a 40 minute game. I mean REALLY! Give ‘em each their own ball and a square foot of the field, and let ‘em play with it there. I’m just happy my boys had more sense that to want to play those silly things. They grew up on a farm, and when they weren’t working all they wanted to do was tinker with the trucks (drive them), the 4 wheelers (drive them) tractors (drive) heavy equipment (drive), sane stuff like that. I was the insane one because I would see the driverless vehicles go past the windows and know my 3 and 4 year old boys were driving them. I finally stopped looking out the window.

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  25. Loved this post!!! Do not get the rabid thing with sports either. Don’t know any of the rules and don’t care. My ideal game would be really cute guys wearing designer clothes and then taking them off, so yeah, I do theatre :)

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  29. I’m not sure why you said that you “don’t understand sports.” Your comments were factual, inciteful and revealed the true pointless nature of sport. Having watched several sports myself, I can attest to the fact that they are complete waste of time that could have been better served addressing poverty, solving international conflicts or staring at a blank wall. Having said that, there is obviously a market for large numbers of males who like watching other males run around in tight pants. I’m not sure why that is, but I’m not one to pass judgement on another man’s confusion about their sexuality.

    Furthermore, I’m actually curious as to what type of nuclear missile Miley Cyrus might design. I personally think she poses a credible defence against foreign invaders.

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      1. Well, I’m assuming it will just be an over-sized statue of herself, with no nuclear capability whatsoever. So in terms of destroying humanity, no so bad… but if you consider the real impact on society, well then yes, it’s pretty bad.

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  30. You’re sooooo bad! (You’re good!) :) Personally, I love football - love to watch those “manly men” pat each other on their butts and pretend they’re “not gay”…Gag me!!! :)P Baseball, on the other hand, bores the crap outta me, but what do I know? If you say you like it, you like it….who am I to try to convince you otherwise?!!!! I love your wit and sarcasm (Gee, I wonder why?) Keep writing and I’ll keep reading!! :) Hugs!

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