I’m still trying to get the song Let it Go out of my head. Is there an ancient book powerful enough for that?

Have you ever wanted to summon demons or angels? Or take over the world? I may have the answer for you. Therapy. Barring that, one of these books might be able to help you.

 

1. Greek Magical Papyri
This text comes from the second century BC, listing spells and rituals. It gives you instructions on how to summon a headless demon who will kindly open the door to the underworld. It also protects you from wild beasts like Snooky.

 

2. The Black Pullet
I’m sure there’s also a White Pullet, too, so calm down, folks.

Anyway, originating in France in the 18th century, The Black Pullet talks about the study of magical talismans, which grants the user special powers. Supposedly, this was written by an anonymous officer in Napoleon’s army who claimed to have acquired the text from a mysterious mage while on an expedition in Egypt. Sure, buddy. Then why does it say “made in China” on the back?

There’s also a spell on how to call a djinn, which is a creature made of smoke who will bring you true love. I may be closer to eating cheesecake off of Zach Efron’s stomach after all.

 

3. Ars Almadel.
Don’t worry, I can’t pronounce it either.

The Ars Almadel is a compilation of information pertaining to demonology from the 17th century by an unknown author. It also provides a blueprint for constructing an Ouija-like wax altar that allows you to communicate with angels.

Sweet. I was touched by an Angel once, just like the tv show. But in a safe place, not a no-no place.

 

4. The book of Abramelin the Mage
Okay, I know these are all starting to sound the same, but this one is super special. This book is one of the most prominent mystical texts of all time. It concerns Abraham, a Jewish traveler in the 15th century, who encountered the magician Abramelin (weirdly named similarly) during a voyage to Egypt. In exchange for 10 florins and the promise of piety and poverty, the mage gifted this manuscript of magic to Abraham.

After using this book and 18 months of prayer and purification, you are able to get in touch with the holy guardian angel, who will grant you powers like necromancy, visions of the future, and control of the weather.

Okay, I’m not trying to be overly edgy, but this is about a Jewish traveler who is heading toward Egypt (and not away from it), who took an oath of poverty? I’ll just leave it at that.

 

5. Galdrabok
The Galdrabok is an Icelandic text dating back to the 16th century and is a collection of 47 spells from multiple magicians. This text relies heavily on runes that have magical properties when carried on the body or installed into objects. No joke, one rune is ironically called the “Fart Rune.” You hit the enemy with a staff with this rune, and the person will be plagued with bad gas.

There are also runes to keep away unwanted visitors, which is handy when your in-laws are in town.

 

6. Arbatel De Magia Veterum
This sounds like a Harry Potter spell.

Composed late the 16th century by an unknown author, the Arbatel De…whatever I said a second ago, is a handbook of spiritual advice. It advises us to seek heavenly things, which basically means chocolate to me.

 

7. Ars Notoria
This magical book from the 13th century grants you supernatural wisdom to understand difficult books. Ironically, it still has a hard to read title.

 

8. Pseudomonarchia Daedonum
Gesundheit.

This is basically a catalog of 69 noble demons, prominent members of Hell’s monarchy, and the methods of conjuring them. Naberius, for example, is a demon who comes in the form of a crow and “maketh a man amicable and cunning in all arts.” Heh, I read the last four words of that slurred together and came up with something entirely different. I’m going to need five minutes.

 

9. Sworn Book of Honorius
This is a book of ritual magic written by a mythological figure who has yet to be identified. It is critical of the Catholic Church, saying that the banishment of magic dooms humanity worse than kids listening to 50s rock ‘n roll and walking on my lawn.

 

10. Picatrix
No, this isn’t an electric mouse Pokémon. It’s an ancient text of astrological magic. Originally written in Arabic, it dates back to the 11th century and spans 400 pages of theory. So, yes, longer than the book Twilight.

It gives instructions on creating gruesome elixirs designed to induce altered states of consciousness. The ingredients could include blood, bodily excrement, brain matter, opium, sperm, earwax, tears, urine, and psychoactive plants. So, in other words, my normal drink number three on Thursday nights at TGI Fridays.

 

Image courtesy of Enrique Flouret via Flickr, Creative Commons.